Colbertocrat Blog

From autopilot to afterburners

2007-10-18T17:39:00.000-07:00

Hey Colbertocrats,

Libertastic here. For those of you who buy into "the man's" concept of time you'll notice that I haven't posted in about ten months. What could possibly awaken me from my slumber?

This.

Yes, its true. Stephen Colbert is finally running for President of these United States and all it took was a scant year and a half of begging by me and my fellow Colbertocrats to make it happen.

While this is obviously great news I'm concerned that some of the forward-thinking Americans who previously supported the petition urging Stephen Colbert to run for President are dismissing it as a useless relic from the dark era prior to Stephen's heroic Presidential run.

In one way they're right. With Stephen running for President we should be able to kick up our collective feet, sip a Mojito and relish our victory. But in another more important way, they're idiots.

If you're trying to hammer a nail into something you don't just bang it once and then walk away. You keep banging it until the job is done. Stephen is the nail and we are the hammer. It's our job to keep banging away at Stephen until he is firmly lodged into the drywall that is the white house. And once he's President we can hang the pretty picture of........uh......let's say Tort reform on him. I haven't worked out the analogy completely but you get the idea.

Thankfully, while some Colbertocrats are abandoning their posts many others are stepping up. As of this posting more than 3600 people have signed the petition urging Stephen Colbert to run for President. For perspective, that's about one signature for every person who signed the petition urging Stephen Colbert to run for President . Impressive, huh?

When I started the Colbertocrat movement in June of 2006 a lot of people thought I was nutso. Not unlike a cat with some sort of fruit rind on its head. But like the cat with the fruit rind on its head I too faced down adversity with steely eyed determination.

My name is Libertastic and I am a proud Colbertocrat. My work isn't done and neither is yours. Will you join me?

Col-brains, Col-balls
Colbert 08!

White Christmas Album

2006-12-27T17:40:00.000-08:00

I recently took time away from producing Hudson and Gaines, the world's best podcast, to participate in a challenge from Stephen Colbert. Stephen asked his viewers to create mash-ups of Beatles and Christmas songs.

A surprising number of people participated. Some submissions were good, some were really bad, a few were truly great. Follow this link to hear what they sound like.

Unfortunately, when my submission was added the audio was slowed for some reason. So, to hear my work as I intended go to the Micah Muzio's Death Race myspace page. MMDR is actually a fake band from the fictional world of Hudson and Gaines......... it's complex. Just give a listen and let me know what you think.

Hiatus

2006-12-04T08:49:00.000-08:00

You've likely noticed a precipitous drop off in posts here at the Colbertocrat Blog. It's for good reason, I'm now producing and appearing in a podcast. Between writing the music, producing the commercial, manning the RSS feed generator and actively tamping down my ever swelling ego I simply don't have time to keep this blog fresh.

If you enjoyed the Colbertocrat Blog, take heart, I've redirected all of my creative energy into this new project and it shows. The podcast is called Hudson and Gaines and it is, by a large margin, the best project I've ever been a part of. Seriously!

It is a talk show based in the fictional town of Great Haven. I could give you some mishmash description sighting Christopher Guest movies or Firesign Theater as inspiration but I'd rather you just listen. Here's the link http://feeds.feedburner.com/hudsonandgaines . As always, you can contact me with questions, comments or hate mail.

This isn't the end of the Colbertocrat Blog, there will be more someday. But for now, Hudson and Gaines needs me and you need Hudson and Gaines. By extension that means you need me and I won't let you down.

Regards,
Libertastic

Ugly Bond

2006-10-25T15:51:00.000-07:00

Has anyone seen the billboards for the new James Bond movie? If so you've probably wondered who the janitor in the tuxedo is and when MGM was going to reveal the new replacement for Pierce Brosnan. I have bad news, that ugly guy is Daniel Craig and he IS the new James Bond. I'm having a difficult time thinking of a less attractive actor to play the role.

Maybe this guy.

I think if the studio wants to go with an ugly bond they should go all the way and hire Danny DeVito. He's brash, he's ballsy and the movie's tag line writes itself. "Big action comes in small packages!"

Good luck new Bond. Unless ugly is the new sexy it'll take a minor miracle for you to pull off that whole "ladies man" thing.

Foley

2006-09-29T20:55:00.000-07:00

There have been so many cool guys with the last name Foley.

1. Axle
2. Mick
3. Dave

The Foley's had a good thing going and then this douche bag came along and ruined things for them. His name is Mark Foley. He was a representative from the state of Florida until today when transcripts of several instant message exchanges between him and underage children appeared on the news wire. As you might guess they were highly sexual in nature.

Soliciting sex from minors is bad and the law will deal with him accordingly but who will seek justice for the non-perverted Foley's? Their ultra cool persona's have been soiled by the lame IMs of a congressman.

Example 1. (Maf54 is Mark Foley)

Maf54: Do I make you a little horny?
Teen: A little.
Maf54: Cool.

Seriously, what self respecting Foley would respond with "cool" when they only made the teen on the other end of the Internet a little horny. Remember this about Libertastic, if I ever went out on a date with you and said you made me "a little horny" I was tactfully telling you that you were repulsive.

Example 2.

Xxxxxxxxx (7:37:52 PM): i didnt no waltzing could make you sore
Maf54 (7:38:04 PM): from what
Xxxxxxxxx (7:38:34 PM): what do you mean from what
Xxxxxxxxx (7:38:42 PM): from waltzing...im sore from waltzing

Uhhh. Even with the 3rd grade English I could tell the teen was sore from waltzing. I certainly hope Foley was on drugs in this portion of the transcript. Other wise he really comes off as a dumb ass.

Example 3.

Maf54 (8:03:47 PM): what you wearing
Xxxxxxxxx (8:04:09 PM): tshirt and shorts
Maf54 (8:04:58 PM): love to slip them off of you
Xxxxxxxxx (8:05:08 PM): haha
Maf54 (8:05:53 PM): and gram the one eyed snake
Maf54 (8:06:13 PM): grab
Xxxxxxxxx (8:06:53 PM): not tonight...dont get to excited
Maf54 (8:07:12 PM): well your hard

Shocking. Just look at the terrible grammar. Honestly, using "your" instead of the proper "you're". What is this the stone age. And another th...........oh MY GOD !! Was he chatting with a dude? Look, I embrace and accept all types of lifestyles, for some reason him hitting on boys makes this whole scenario 10 times creepier.

That's it, the Foley name is no longer cool. The blow may be lessened because the Foley's above peaked in the 80's or 90's but it's still a tragedy. As a service to the Foley's I'd like to volunteer Libertastic as a replacement for their last name. Actually, Axl Libertastic sounds pretty sweet. Maybe some good can come out of this situation after all. Thanks representative Mark Foley! Ya perv.

Nelson

2006-09-28T10:12:00.000-07:00

Nelson. The name brings to mind two things.

1st. Nelson Muntz. The animated character responsible for making "ha, ha" an appropriate reaction when your friend gets hit in the nuts.

2nd. Nelson, the band led by two wussy guys with long blond hair.

Let's focus on the band. When their song "love and affection" came out I liked it, a lot. Shortly there after, grunge came along to push Nelson back into the shadows. Just in time too, god knows what kind of "lifestyle" I might be enjoying had Nelson become a staple of my CD collection.

Here we are more than a decade after they disappeared into obscurity and I'll be damned if Nelson hasn't resurfaced. Click here. Yes, I know they appeared on VH1 not that long ago. Appearing on a network who's biggest star is Michael Ian Black doesn't count as a comeback.

If Nelson can find a reason to perform again maybe we'll see the reemergence of other early 90s flash in the pan rockers. How about Radiohead, there song "creep" was pretty good, whatever became of them?

Crossing the bounds of taste

2006-09-21T18:45:00.000-07:00

BBC's Channel 4 is going to broadcast a documentary where an anatomist crucifies a real corpse. While the concept is both gross and educational it got me thinking about other uses for a corpse.

Here are mine.

1. Carpool access, duh.
2. Body boarding. Literally.
3. English guard replacement. There only job is to stand still. Surely a corpse could handle that.
4. Totally wicked guitar stand. Pose the corpse so that he/she gently cradles the guitar. Iron Maiden would love a couple of these.
5. Mannequin replacement. We have a hard enough time maintaining a realistic body image these days. Ultra thin mannequins don't help the situation. I suggest we replace them with actual corpses. The fat trucker who died of a heart attack won't send anyone into a shame spiral.
6. Ridiculously elaborate paper weight. The best things usually take a long time to make. How about a paper weight that was in development for 65 years. Tag line "A lifetime in the making"
7. Replacement for Ben Affleck. Most corpses would be a step up in the acting department.
8. Pet. If you're concerned that your child can't handle the responsibility of a cat or a hamster why not get them a corpse. You know they won't kill it.
9. Life changer. Step 1: put corpse in driver's seat of your car. Step 2: light car on fire. Step 3: Flea the scene in search of a new, more exciting life.
10. Human. The other, other white meat.

Those are my ideas. Feel free to post your own.

Vantastic

2006-09-14T23:12:00.000-07:00

Oh, baby. On my way home yesterday I saw this.

.

I did a double take, screeched to a halt, then grabbed this shot of the side.

Before you go crazy with ironic post modern accolades I need to tell you that it may have been there as part of a movie. I saw the generic white trucks and a large crew that typically indicate another LA film shoot. Based on all the information we're left with two possibilities.

A. Some 70's leftover finally made enough "bread" selling hash to paint his van in a sexy D & D motif. Awesome!

B. This van is the lynch pin in some studio's plan to make a movie that taps into the "too clever for their own good" Gen X/Y demo's interest in the flamboyance of the 70's. Lame!

Either way one thing is for sure. Option B was a run on sentence. My copy editor friend's heads just exploded. Sorry guys.

Coincidences

2006-09-14T15:57:00.000-07:00

My wife has had an idea for a while to take pictures of fruit dressed up like people. As a heterosexual man I naturally thought she'd sustained a head injury. But like the "colbertocrat" doppelganger incident from a few weeks ago, the Internet has once again proven that it's impossible to be original.

While cruising an automotive enthusiast website I saw this.

The image was the signature for one of the members on the message board. It raises a few interesting points.

1. My wife may have been on to something. The highly expressive faces on the fruit make it hard to think of them as just inanimate objects. If done well, the concept of humanizing fruit seems works.

2. If this kind of art goes mainstream an entire generation may give up eating their fruits and vegetables. With vegetarianism on the rise, kids may be similarly motivated to give up fruit. Our nations "5 a day" campaign with have been for naught.

3. I'm a bigger pansy than I thought. Looking at the cartoon, my heart really goes out for Orange. He's probably friends with Banana and to come home to this, it's got to be devastating. Almost as devastating as watching your masculinity evaporate before your eyes.

Quota

2006-09-13T16:54:00.000-07:00

Like community service, today's Colbertocrat Blog should fill this month's quota for Stephen Colbert related commentary.

Here goes:

The Report tonight should be double throwdown wicked. Ken Jennings is the guest. I'm excited to watch Stephen square off with a guest that is likely his intellectual equal. Ken is an excellent writer and possesses a well developed sense of humor. His book Braniac was released yesterday and I may actually buy it. I don't mind having my picture taken in front of books on a shelf but I'm rarely inclined to read any of them.

Watch the Colbert Report tonight or if you have Tivo, whenever the hell you fell like it.

9/11

2006-09-11T16:34:00.000-07:00

Today is the 5 year anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. I don't want to spend much time dredging up my emotions on the subject. I've worked too hard tamping my feelings down to the deepest recesses of my soul to let them spill out in a cathartic blog entry.

All I want to say is that days like today make me happy to be alive. I fully plan on maximizing my time on earth by spending time with my wife, friends and family, writing music, and posting to this silly little blog. It's good to know that if I ever get my priorities out of line another September will eventually come around and help me refocus on what's important in life.

2006-09-11T12:54:00.000-07:00

I was surprised to learn today that Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a jerk. After moving into his new house on Saturday, Kareem endeared himself to a neighbor by dumping his trash in their yard. Story here.

Throwing trash in a neighbors yard is weird but more baffling is the fact that Kareem's new home is in Harlem. Why would he live there? Did he already burn through his royalties from Slam Dunk Ernest? Is he seeking street cred in anticipation of a run for Congress? Is Brentwood not as safe as it used to be? Oh right, the real killers are still on the loose, eh OJ?

My guess is he's writing a book. As the picture above indicates Kareem isn't afraid to slum it with the lower tiers of society and then write a book about his experience. I won't surprised when Mr. Abdul-Jabbar releases his next novel entitled "An Autumn in the Projects: One man's struggle to totally piss off his neighbors in Harlem". What a jerk.

The Germans love their Hydrogen

2006-09-08T11:54:00.000-07:00

BMW is working on a Hydrogen powered car. In keeping with Germany's many Hydrogen related accomplishments BMW has opted to use the highly explosive gas to power a version of it's 7 series sedan. Link here.

Kudos to BMW for pioneering new and exciting ways to turn a standard car accident into a neighborhood leveling explosion. I hear it's a "blast" to drive. (crickets)

Coincidence

2006-09-06T13:49:00.000-07:00

Some people don't believe in coincidence. For the unbelievers I submit the following.

Last week it appeared that someone had started borrowing creative content from the Colbertocrat Blog and posting it to the Colbert Nation message boards. At the time it seemed impossible that they had come up with their user name "Colbertocrat" as well as some Colbert inspired Haikus without this sites inspiration. Having blessed the Internet with those two ideas well before the postings appeared last week, I was bothered.

After calling the impostor out, both here and at Colbertnation.com, I received the following message.

"I'm afraid it is a horrible coincidence that I posted those haikus a month after you did. I joined the Nation board the night of the Emmys, inspired by my amusement and mock outrage to write haikus, which are the only funny thing I've ever been able to write easily. I didn't see your July post until it was pointed out to me by my girlfriend, who was looking for my haikus and searched the site for the word "haiku" and found yours.

Also, I had no idea you were the same person who started colbertocrat.com, and in fact I thought I had made that name up until I saw your web site. I even thought about writing you to offer you the name "colbertocrat", since I just made it up in my head (really!) because it sounded funny, vaguely political and had "colbert" in it. I was astonished it wasn't taken. So there's actually two horrible coincidences here."

There you have it. Two people, completely independently of each other, managed to coin the term Colbertocrat and express their fanaticism via Haiku. What are the odds?

The whole affair has actually left me feeling less inspired than before. If the Colbert Haiku isn't a genuinely unique idea I guess I'm doomed to be just one in a flock of unoriginal online commentators. I take comfort in the fact that even if I'm not the only one to come up with this stuff, at least I'm first.

Simply Beautiful

2006-09-02T13:13:00.000-07:00

Like the Labor Day sales proclaiming their once a year ultimate deals, I too am making an exeption with today's Colbertocrat blog entry. No politics, pop culture or commentary about the oddities of the world. Remember, it's the only time this will happen all year. There has never been a better time to read the Colbertocrat blog!

My wife directed me to a blog entry written by a mother on her son's 1st birthday. The unvarnished recollection of the life of a mother through her child's first year was simply beautiful. I'm a cynical gen Xer and it takes a lot to generate emotion in me. Well done All & Sundry, you succeeded where Titanic never could.

Read and enjoy. Link Here.

Impostor

2006-09-01T17:38:00.000-07:00

I rarely get worked up over assaults against my honor. Living a good life and slashing my enemies tires is plenty vengeful for me. However, a situation has come up that has raised my ire, and my ire is plenty mean when fully raised. Hence the angry banana.

Read the following:
"Whenever *I've* just seen my new critically acclaimed runaway hit show on Comedy Central lose an arguably increasingly irrelevant industry award to a so-called pop icon that is a parody of his laughable self, what is the first word that comes to *my* mind? Haiku."
The above was met with:
"Colbertocrat, if the Colbert Report is hiring, you should apply. Those haiku's are definitely Stephen-worthy."

Everything seems in order, right. Libertastic, the original Colbertocrat, is receiving accolades from his flock. Wrong! I didn't write that at all. At least not on August 28th, the day it was posted on the Colbert Nation message board. Link here. I did write an entry to the Colbertocrat Blog on July 12, 2006 titled "What's in a name?" where I unveiled the concept of a Colbert Inspired Haiku.

So what's the deal? Here are the facts.

1. Someone is posting using the name Colbertocrat. I post under the name Libertastic (I like to exude a constant air of Liberty). Either they really like or really hate Colbertocrat.com.

2. Someone is clearly reading this blog then posting its ideas as their own.

3. What I write is so entertaining that when stolen the bits still work.

4. Even if the impostor does build a following online using the Colbertocrat moniker, all roads lead back to here, Colbertocrat.com. Thanks for the free publicity!

Mary in a tree

2006-08-31T16:03:00.000-07:00

Last week I made an offering to god. It wasn't a virgin, incense or my life long devotion but something genuinely useful, my suggestions for improving his image. As he often does, god failed to heed my advice and instead opted to use a shadowy image imprinted on a common object to rouse the spirits of his believers. This time it's an image of the Virgin Mary on the branch of a maple tree. Story here.

God issues aside, this story makes me angry. I'm not anti-religion but I hate the fact that they've got a monopoly on these kinds of human interest stories. If I called the newspaper and said I saw a link to the Colbertocrat Blog in an egg McMuffin they call me a jerk wad then hang up the phone. But if I called and said the Virgin Mary was flashing a peace sign in that same egg McMuffin I'd have a reporter at my house within the hour.

It's not fair. Everyone knows about god but very few people know about the Colbertocrat Blog, Colbertocrat.com or the Stephen Colbert Must Run For President Petition. The Colbertocrat movement was created as a quasi-political movement but maybe a quasi-religion would make more sense. Tax exempt status is mighty tempting. Either way brothers and sisters, do your part to spread the good word. Peace be with you.

You make the call

2006-08-28T21:50:00.000-07:00

Prosecutors have dropped their case against John Mark Karr in the murder on JonBenet Ramsey. Details here.

The question for you is, which is creepier?

A: Someone desperately trying to convince the world that he sexually assaulted and murdered a 6 year old girl despite having no involvement.

or

B: The following picture of Pope Benedict XVI

You probably said the sex murderer enthusiast, right? Well I wonder if my good friend photoshop might change your mind. Try this!

You know, it's funny. My stylized picture of the Pope standing in front of a haunted mansion at night actually looks less creepy than the untouched photo.

Conclusion:

Un-Photoshopped Pope = Creepy
Child Porn Loving Murderer Imposter = Super Creepy

Too Low

2006-08-25T12:49:00.000-07:00

We've all heard the phrase "Our prices are so low, we can't say them on the the radio". You may have wondered under what circumstance a price would be too low to advertise? To find the answer examine the following hypothetical sale.

Widget Crafters (conveniently located in the heart of the widget district) have decided to have a sale. Instead of their usual price of 5 widgets for a dollar they've decided to blow widgets out the door at the unheard of price 50 for a dollar. I know, that's a great price on widgets. The sale was initiated by a unique set of circumstances.

Bernie, the owner/operator of Widget Crafters, got drunk while ordering this months widget supply and accidentally added a zero where he shouldn't have. Now Bernie has so many widgets that the surplus is being stored in the half of his warehouse usually reserved for his real passion, a bi-weekly roller disco. With Roller Disco night only 3 days away the widgets have to go.

But there is a problem. The only way to enter Widget Crafters is to traverse a pit that lies immediately in front of the entrance. Unfortunately, Bernie has invested all of his profits into a broken glass, rusty nail and bear trap collection, leaving precious little money to construct a proper bridge. As a result the bridge is made from paper mache. And yes, Bernie stores his collection in the pit.

Problem: Bernie needs to sell the surplus widgets quickly but if too many people arrive at the same time the paper mache bridge might collapse.

Solution: Bernie decides to advertise his sale on the radio but chooses not to mention the dangerously low price, thus averting a potentially lethal widget stampede.

So the next time you hear a commercial where the announcer refuses to divulge the sale price, consider all the lives that may or may not have just been saved.

Distraction

2006-08-22T15:14:00.000-07:00

What is a Theory? According to http://wordnet.princeton.edu/, (the most scholastically intimidating web address I've ever seen) a theory is a well-substantiated explanation of some aspect of the natural world. Why do I ask?

Recently, while scrolling through the topics on the Colbertnation.com message boards, I came across a thread that said the 9/11 attacks were an "inside job". I won't take the time to debate the validity of the concept here, that's for you to do by yourself in your mom's basement wearing your tinfoil hat. I will, however, offer a counterpoint to the broader issue of conspiracy theories.

If you look into a bowl of alphabits cereal and see a U.N. plot to bring about the new world order, please, share your thoughts with the world, preferably via the Internet. You've got the kind of wild eyed creativity that will keep the rest of society entertained while it toils away in a cubicle for 8 hours. What you don't have is the "well substantiated explanation" necessary to call your thoughts an actual theory. You can feel good knowing you've boosted morale for productive citizens everywhere. What you can't do is feel like you're solving any problems.

Think about it like this. When has the world lacked for things to worry about. In just my lifetime we've endured the threat of nuclear destruction, terrorism at home and abroad, genocide, and the rise and fall of Chumbawamba. Adding worry about alien cover ups, vast government conspiracies or plots involving The Rand Corporation and reverse vampires only serves to distract us from finding real solutions to real problems.

For the sake of the employable masses, show off those grainy photographs and upload those shaky videos to Utube. Circulate the email you got from the friend of your cousin who was totally there when Dick Cheney morphed into a killer raccoon. Just don't think you're making a difference. Mel Gibson's Jew run Shadow Government wouldn't let you anyway.

Mysterious Ways

2006-08-21T16:27:00.000-07:00

If you were god how would you communicate to your believers? Would you speak from the heavens in a boomy voice, offering unambiguous proof of both your existence and your wishes or would you do this?

Without the benefit of omnipotence (isn't that what Ciallis is for?) it's tough to say exactly what I would do. What I wouldn't do is make my believers look like crazy people. Appearing in common food products, wet cement and tree stumps makes both the faithful and the deity seem desperate for attention. It's not good for the brand image.

If it's not too presumptuous I'd like to offer God some advice.

1. Stay away from appearances in greasy food like grilled cheeses, French fries and potato chips. We'll accept a god that destroys his creations on a whim but we will not accept a god that makes us fat.
2. If you do insist on appearing in something edible make it a Red Bull and Vodka. You'll tap into the all important youth market. The fact that combining Red Bull and Alcohol is potentially deadly will only make you seem cooler. When the kids sing "our god is an awesome god" they'll really mean it, in that frat boy kind of way.
3. Don't be a stranger. Your appearances via whichever prophet is actually speaking on your behalf are great and all, but you could make a real splash by appearing yourself. If you're uncomfortable showing up in the white robes and sandals I totally understand. Try this, appear before all of humanity as a invisible pink Unicorn. It's an image so original and outlandish that everyone will instantly know you're the one true god and you've got great taste in fashion.
4. Disregard #3. Apparently someone's already beaten you to the whole invisible pink unicorn thing.

Maybe showing up in a slice of pizza at Sbarro isn't such a bad idea.

I'll take funny Muther F***ers for $1000 Alex

2006-08-17T13:13:00.000-07:00

This man made headlines when, after writing a clearly tongue in cheek blog entry about the quiz show that made him famous, village idiot Michael Starr failed to get the joke. In an article for the New York Post, Starr derided his "snarky" attitude and showed a startling inability to understand sarcasm.

Who is click here?

Seriously, he is an excellent writer. Once Michael Starr goes back to his job at Arby's, the Post should consider K-dawg as his replacement.

Stereotype

2006-08-17T13:12:00.000-07:00

I hate stereotypes. Just because I'm of German descent doesn't mean I'm planning to oppress large groups of people or rule the world with an iron fist. I actually am planning to do that but I attribute it mostly to being ambitious not German. What's really disconcerting is when a member of a specific race engages in stereotyping of his own people. I've seen an increase in this behavior recently.

Example 1.
"We Swiss are not just good at making the tastiest chocolate; we can also build the fastest hydrofoil vehicle in the world - even though we're not exactly a seafaring nation" said Frank M. Rinderknecht after setting a Guinness Book World Record for fastest crossing of the English Channel by an amphibious vehicle. Read the whole story here.

Example 2.
"The daughters, meanwhile, are as American as you, gabacho: they're spoiled, fat asses who party hard, overeat and don't do quehaceres (chores) after coming home from a day at the office or Chicano Studies class because they have a Mexican to do it, their mami." said Gustavo Arellano in his weekly column "Ask a Mexican" when asked why Mexican girls are cute teenagers but wind up fat women.

This kind of self hatred is completely Un-American. We need to stop tearing our own people down and get back to the values we grew up with, stereotyping others.

Shout Outs

2006-08-16T15:22:00.000-07:00

Success rarely comes about because of one person. There's usually a crack squad of success oriented commandos shooting and karate chopping their way to a specific goal. The Colbertocrat movement is no different. Since our inception, www.colbertocrat.com has depended on the kindness of strangers. We've also depended on the help of friends but mentioning them in the previous sentence would have ruined a perfectly good movie reference. Let's see, who's more important, friends or a generic reference to Gone with the Wind? The choice is clear.

So, in no particular order (other than importance) here are the people/entities I need to thank for making www.colbertocrat.com such a huge success.

1. God.
He never once interfered with my plan to set up a Stephen Colbert for President online petition. I'm not sure if his lack of involvement is a sign that he approves of the site or that he simply doesn't exist. Either way, he didn't stop me and that took Colballz.

2. My wife.
Her endless stream of encouragement proves that love is indeed blind. Granted I've had my fair share of reasonably entertaining posts but I really should be doing something of substance. Instead my wife chuckles politely as she inspects my blog entries and does her part to drive traffic. I'm sure in the back of her mind she knows it's a waste of time. I can't wait for the Google ads check to arrive so I can show her that I've made something of myself. I'm going to spend at least half of the $8.76 on her.

3. TMZ.com
In between covering Paris Hilton's eating habits and Mel Gibson's "Jew Bash 2006" TMZ.com (a wholly owned subsidiary of AOL TimeWarner) wrote a story about Stephen Colbert's now classic 10 commandments interview with Congressman Lynn Westmoreland. Click here to watch. The article included a link to the Colbertocrat website and I've been bathing in the added web traffic ever since. Thanks TMZ!

4. Craig Gaines from http://rocketfever.blogspot.com/
He's a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in $120 blue jeans. How is it that a man who wields the English language like a long sword, spews wit and charm like a sulfur mine spews stank, and hasn't had half of his face burned off still can't find a girlfriend? More confusing is why he added a link to this crappy blog. Maybe it's because we're friends. Maybe it's because he sees a goodness lurking just beneath the gruff exterior of the Colbertocrat blog. Or maybe it's because I have pictures of him at Medieval times that he doesn't want publicly displayed. Who knows. For now Gaines remains a mystery.

5. Finally, everyone important enough to list but not important enough to write something clever about. It's like Gilligan's Island theme when they skip the Professor and Mary Ann and sing "and the rest".

http://www.colbertnation.com/messageboard/
http://toreadoroflove.stumbleupon.com/
http://www.nofactzone.net/?page_id=10
http://sojournofthereal.blogspot.com/

Popular Demand

2006-08-14T17:51:00.000-07:00

It's amazing how quickly time can pass. You get called out of town for work, miss a few days worth of writing and suddenly the blog you love so dearly has been neglected like an MC Hammer mix tape. With this post I sheepishly return to my post at the Colbertocrat blog, a bit ashamed of my half-assedness. That's probably not a real word.......half-assedness.

Much like a movie where someone is frozen then years later emerge in a world they hardly recognize, I am amazed at what has become of the Colbertocrat website. We've actually sold some super awesome Colbertocrat gear in our online store. Click here to peruse our wares. Our main site www.colbertocrat.com has endured nearly 13,000 hits. I've raked in a cool $8.00 in the last 3 months from Google ads. Most importantly, the online petition urging Stephen Colbert to run for president has eclipsed the 200 barrier.

200 was an important milestone. Now I can, with no exaggeration, say that hundreds of people have signed the petition. We didn't reach that milestone solely through my efforts though. In my next post I'll thank the many people who made the success of Colbertocrat.com possible. It'll be the feelgood post of our generation. Stay tuned.

Game Changer

2006-07-26T14:54:00.000-07:00

Don't tell my wife but I've got a new love. My new "it girl" goes by the name Google Maps Mobile. Oh, baby!

This amazing free download lets you get directions, search for businesses, view satellite imagery on some phones and even provides real time traffic information. It does all that right on your phone. I'm awestruck.

The other night my wife and I were driving through Los Angeles around midnight. It occurred to me that I hadn't been to a Bob's Big Boy in about 15 years. We wound up spending the next hour or so driving to the places we thought we remembered seeing a Bob's. It's a sad story partially because we never made it to Bob's but mostly because we couldn't think of anything better to do at midnight in LA.

Those days are over. Thanks to Google Maps Mobile I'm able to find the nearest Bob's within seconds. I'm able to get directions to the nearest In & Out burger with ease. When I'm done with those places, I'll use Maps Mobile to guide me to the nearest Jenny Craig.

If you own a Java-enabled phone click here for the details on Google Maps Mobile.

OutSync

2006-07-26T13:41:00.000-07:00

Word has "come out" today that 'N Sync member Lance Bass is gay. God I'm clever. Read more here. Let me be the first to say, I never saw this one coming. If I suspected anyone from 'N Sync as being gay it was Chris Kirkpatrick, or as I call him Pineapple Head. He seems like a cuddler, you know.

Not content to just be the gay guy from 'N Sync, Lance is working on a sitcom inspired by the Odd Couple. He'll be playing the gay guy. Mmmm, hot man on man comedy coming to a TV near you. Fabulous.

Break on Through

2006-07-24T17:35:00.000-07:00

Some might say that for an online petition to be valid all the signers must live in this dimension. I disagree. I think if a petition is so important that it warrants attention from the dead then said petition must have something really important to say. Such is the case with the "Stephen Colbert Must Run for President" online petition started by the team here at Colbertocrat.com.

When Jim Morrison recently graced the petition with his signature we didn't think he was mocking its validity. We were honored that he took time out of his busy schedule in the misty beyond to support a Colbert presidency. Morrison is quoted as saying "Stephen can sail my crystal ship anytime". Yes, he certainly can.

Get off!

2006-07-24T17:16:00.000-07:00

Prince has been named as the halftime entertainer for next years Super Bowl. If his ass is already visible through his pants does that qualify as a wardrobe malfunction?

By the way, the picture to the left almost looks like a vision of Prince if he were to appear in a tortilla. Using your best Prince voice say "Smother me in beans and rice and salsa, uuuhhh".

Success

2006-07-21T17:46:00.000-07:00

In an earlier post I bemoaned the fact that very few readers leave comments on the Colbertocrat blog. Now, in an instant, that failure is wiped clean and replaced with the sweet aroma of success.

It seems that Jimmy Hoffa has come back to life and signed the Stephen Colbert Must Run for President petition started by the Colbertocrat action squad. According to Jimmy "I was reborn just to sign this petition".

I guess all the effort I've put into the Colbertocrat movement is finally paying off. With Jimmy Hoffa back from the infinite beyond the FBI can stop digging up the property of Michigan farmers and get back to profiling hippies. That's something we can all appreciate.

Failure

2006-07-21T10:46:00.000-07:00

Why is this juggernaut of a blog so terrible at eliciting comments? It's got interesting topics, witty insight, and a vague Stephen Colbert theme. Surely that combination should squeeze words from even the most inbred redneck. Have I failed? Have you failed? Do you have any comments on the matter?

Colbertocrat Petition Update

2006-07-21T01:26:00.000-07:00

If you haven't already, please sign the petition urging Stephen Colbert to run for the office of President of the United States. As of this instant 23 brave souls have stood up and said in a loud clear voice "I am willing to add my name to a bogus online petition. Consequences be damned!". Won't you do the same? Tell a friend while you're at it.

Progress

2006-07-20T17:32:00.000-07:00

Despite being subjected to anger, derogatory slurs and the occasional smearing, homosexuals have made great strides in their quest for equality. Pioneers like the Queer Eye guys, comedian Ant, and Clay Aiken have boldly redefined what it means to be gay. Ok, not really, they're all pretty much what you expect gay to be, but now they're fulfilling stereotypes on TV instead of in bath houses. Look out red states!

Measuring America's progress on the issue of equal rights is difficult. Unlike autoerotic asphyxiation its hard to know when the job is done. However, there are good signs that gay America has achieved its goal of equality. The biggest being that gays are now in a position to discriminate. Long known as a steamy bastion of homo erotic passions, the rainbow draped hamlet of Provincetown is breeding a new generation of prejudiced gays. Hate is the only thing they'll let breed in P-town these days. For details click here.

Reverse discrimination may seem wrong but it means we can stop worrying about equality for homosexuals. It also means we, the silent hetero majority, no longer have to pretend to like our gay cousins. There's always an upside. So the next time you find yourself being verbally harassed in the pink side of Massachusetts remember, your taking one for the team. The team called America. "Now with slightly different discrimination"!

What's in a name? Part 2, Electric Colbertaloo.

2006-07-13T14:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I tried to infuse some Colbertitude into the Colbertocrat blog with a Stephen Colbert inspired Haiku. Upon investigation by the team at Colbertocrat.com it's clear that the name Colbert appeared in none of the 17 syllables available. No Colbert, no Stephen, not even a silent T.

The Colbertocrat movement is a progressive one. We know that the days of the old media are numbered and the future belongs to the internet nerds, podcasters, and blogging losers. Being revolutionaries, we've decided to take it to the next level. Today, July 13th 2006, we introduce the techno-ku. By harnessing the greatest aspects of the East and West we'll be able to communicate the "good news" of the Colbertocrat ideology to a new generation. In short, it's a Haiku thrown up on the internet.

Enjoy this Colbertcentric techno-ku. We think it will fix the mistakes of yesterday's Haiku as well as appeal to the underserved "Urban" market.

He loves black people
His show is off the chiz-ains
Stephen Colbert, Dawg

What's in a name?

2006-07-12T15:01:00.000-07:00

It occurred to me that despite having Colbert right in the name, there is very little mention of Mr. Colbert in this blog. To make amends I offer this Stephen Colbert inspired Haiku.

Soaring eagle's claws
reach to grasp the delicious
salmon of freedom

World Cup Wrap Up

2006-07-11T13:19:00.000-07:00

I've never been a fan of sports. My wife cites my lack of interest as one of my most charming qualities. If only she had graced my junior high P.E. class with her presence, the screaming from my teammates might have chipped away my self esteem at a slightly slower rate.

Do you remember being 13? You're not a child anymore but not you're not quite an adult. Britney Spears wrote a song on the subject. Surprisingly she was 20 at the time but I guess some of us bloom later than others. Anyway, pretend you're 13 again; pimply, voice changing, sprouting new hair and trying to find your place in the world. Add to that volatile mix the knowledge that you are totally incapable of catching a ball.

It may not seem like a big deal but imagine that knowledge sweeping over you as a pop fly descends on your exact location. The entire P.E. class is watching you. Half the kids pray that, against all odds, you'll manage to finally catch one. The other half can't wait to mock you and your dropping balls. Hmm, there's probably a better way to say that. Is it called fumbling? I don't even know. I'll stick with ball dropping.

World Cup Soccer is the biggest sporting event in the world if you're willing to include the opinions of Africa, Asia and South America. I'm not, too little America in those places. Despite my best efforts I couldn't avoid exposure to the World Cup hype. Commercials invaded my TV touting Soccer's ability to bring conflicting groups together. I was skeptical of the games power but I'm now a believer. Through the World Cup I've managed to find common ground with my pro-sports contemporaries, a mutual disinterest in Soccer.

Ignoring the World Cup along with the rest of America has given me a sense of community I've never felt before. This feeling of belonging and like mindedness must be what attracts people to sports. It's intoxicating. Man, I hope the World Cup never ends!

It's never to late for patriotism

2006-07-06T15:34:00.000-07:00

In a style befitting my generation (x/y), I been so busy "not working" this week that I failed to acknowledge the original American holiday, the 4th of July. Actually, the original American holiday was named Not Dead Yet Day. Legend has it that this national holiday was celebrated every morning by the Pilgrims with a ceremonial delousing and by burying the dead.

Thankfully, by the time I came on the scene the standard of living in America had improved substantially. Worries about finding food and surviving disease had been replaced with who shot J.R. and whether or not Teddy Ruxpin worked with regular tapes. Granted there are still concerns about poverty in this country but from a broad perspective life in America in spectacularly good. Don't believe me? Click here.

The 4th of July provides us an opportunity to assess how we're doing, where we're headed and what we'll do when we get there. If the answers to those questions make you sad just be glad you aren't a pilgrim.

Licky Boom Boom Found!

2006-06-23T22:13:00.000-07:00

By now I'm sure you've heard the news that a terror plot to blow up the Sears Tower in Chicago was foiled by the FBI. Thanks to the FBI for giving me a reason to describe something as "foiled". It always reminds me of Batman's approach to law enforcement in the 60's. The government could learn a lot about how to fight crime with style from Adam West.

However, I am concerned about the media's coverage of this story. The news channels have made repeated mention of the FBI's use of an informer to crack the case. Problem 1: The media is revealing the FBI's tactics to the enemies of America. Problem 2: I can't get the song Informer out of my head. With most of my brain power still devoted to the season 2 finale of Lost, there's precious little resources left to determine whether or not Daddy Snow really did stab someone down the lane.

With my mind so easily distracted perhaps a new approach to journalism is in order. Here's how the Libertastic Legitimate News Channel will one day dispense the news. Every story will fall into one of two categories. #1: Everything is Super!!! #2: You'll likely be killed. As news rolls in to the LLNC studios we'll keep a running total. "Lions escape zoo, that's a #2; Terrorists nabbed in sting, that's a #1". News reports will consist of the day's tally dished out in a super concise 15 seconds.

The advantages to this approach are obvious. No more useless "information" to cloud the audiences mind. No more expensive anchors (throw the janitor on camera for all I care, it's only 15 seconds). Most importantly, more space available for commercials. The steamroller that is the Bush economy can only continue if we all do our parts and buy, buy, buy. I'll do my duty by buying an Xbox 360 despite some luke warm reviews. If I must endure detailed news coverage it better reach me via 5.1 surround sound and digitally rendered, photo realistic graphics. Did you know we're having some problems with the Germans?

Living in the Now

2006-06-20T14:29:00.000-07:00

Recently Vice President Dick Cheney was forced to defend a statement he made a year ago describing the Iraqi insurgency as being "in its final throes". Who cares what he said a year ago, that is SO last year. I don't care that at this time in 2005 Fat Joe "Got it Poppin" at number 31 on the Billboard chart. I care that in 2006 Fat Joe has downsized from fat to mearly husky,losing 80 pounds after being inspired by an episode of Oprah. Husky Joe they'll call him.

We're Americans, we don't look back. We boldly step forward regardless of what happened in the past. Look at me. I'm moving forward with this blog entry despite ruining it's flow with a superfluous Fat Joe reference in the previous paragraph. Am I worried? No. Dwelling on the earlier parts of this post would only make it harder for me to enjoy this. Go ahead and click it. I'll wait.

See, wasn't that worth it. A big steaming pile of adorable. If you'd been overwhelmed with the poor structure of this blog you might not have clicked through to the picture. What a waste. In the same way, we shouldn't be distracted by the past. It only keeps us from enjoy the bounty this country has to offer. A bounty afforded us by our brave fighting men and women. One could even say that questioning any statement Dick Cheney made before this very instant is an offense to the hard work of our troops.

It's in that spirit that I suggest we spend less time dredging up the problems of our past and more time enjoying all that America presently offers. Live in the now, man. Our hippie parents would want it that way. And for everyone who's absolutely, dead set on skewering the Vice-President's character, don't look to the past. Keep your eyes firmly on the future. We all know another boner will come along shortly.

Humble Beginnings

2006-06-16T17:10:00.000-07:00

Even as the mightiest oak tree starts as the smallest seed........it is a seed, right, not a pine cone or something. Anyway, something small becomes something big. This blog represents a small start for Colbertocrat.com. Just a few true believers writing blog entries and toying with Dreamweaver in a basement located in a secret underground compound somewhere in these wonderful United States.

Some might say we're leaches, suckling life giving plasma from the success of someone else's creativity. Those people are right. For a positive spin we like to pull out the old cliche about immitation and flattery. Hell, if PBS can devote a special to an Australian Pink Floyd cover band, surely we can carve out our own little bandwagoning niche.

As for you, the reader, please visit our Colbertocrat Petition Page. Let's change America the Colbertocrat way, by asking Stephen Colbert to do it for us.