Foley

There have been so many cool guys with the last name Foley.

1. Axle
2. Mick
3. Dave



The Foley's had a good thing going and then this douche bag came along and ruined things for them. His name is Mark Foley. He was a representative from the state of Florida until today when transcripts of several instant message exchanges between him and underage children appeared on the news wire. As you might guess they were highly sexual in nature.





Soliciting sex from minors is bad and the law will deal with him accordingly but who will seek justice for the non-perverted Foley's? Their ultra cool persona's have been soiled by the lame IMs of a congressman.

Example 1. (Maf54 is Mark Foley)

Maf54: Do I make you a little horny?
Teen: A little.
Maf54: Cool.

Seriously, what self respecting Foley would respond with "cool" when they only made the teen on the other end of the Internet a little horny. Remember this about Libertastic, if I ever went out on a date with you and said you made me "a little horny" I was tactfully telling you that you were repulsive.

Example 2.

Xxxxxxxxx (7:37:52 PM): i didnt no waltzing could make you sore
Maf54 (7:38:04 PM): from what
Xxxxxxxxx (7:38:34 PM): what do you mean from what
Xxxxxxxxx (7:38:42 PM): from waltzing...im sore from waltzing

Uhhh. Even with the 3rd grade English I could tell the teen was sore from waltzing. I certainly hope Foley was on drugs in this portion of the transcript. Other wise he really comes off as a dumb ass.

Example 3.

Maf54 (8:03:47 PM): what you wearing
Xxxxxxxxx (8:04:09 PM): tshirt and shorts
Maf54 (8:04:58 PM): love to slip them off of you
Xxxxxxxxx (8:05:08 PM): haha
Maf54 (8:05:53 PM): and gram the one eyed snake
Maf54 (8:06:13 PM): grab
Xxxxxxxxx (8:06:53 PM): not tonight...dont get to excited
Maf54 (8:07:12 PM): well your hard

Shocking. Just look at the terrible grammar. Honestly, using "your" instead of the proper "you're". What is this the stone age. And another th...........oh MY GOD !! Was he chatting with a dude? Look, I embrace and accept all types of lifestyles, for some reason him hitting on boys makes this whole scenario 10 times creepier.

That's it, the Foley name is no longer cool. The blow may be lessened because the Foley's above peaked in the 80's or 90's but it's still a tragedy. As a service to the Foley's I'd like to volunteer Libertastic as a replacement for their last name. Actually, Axl Libertastic sounds pretty sweet. Maybe some good can come out of this situation after all. Thanks representative Mark Foley! Ya perv.

Nelson

Nelson. The name brings to mind two things.

1st. Nelson Muntz. The animated character responsible for making "ha, ha" an appropriate reaction when your friend gets hit in the nuts.

2nd. Nelson, the band led by two wussy guys with long blond hair.

Let's focus on the band. When their song "love and affection" came out I liked it, a lot. Shortly there after, grunge came along to push Nelson back into the shadows. Just in time too, god knows what kind of "lifestyle" I might be enjoying had Nelson become a staple of my CD collection.

Here we are more than a decade after they disappeared into obscurity and I'll be damned if Nelson hasn't resurfaced. Click here. Yes, I know they appeared on VH1 not that long ago. Appearing on a network who's biggest star is Michael Ian Black doesn't count as a comeback.

If Nelson can find a reason to perform again maybe we'll see the reemergence of other early 90s flash in the pan rockers. How about Radiohead, there song "creep" was pretty good, whatever became of them?

Crossing the bounds of taste

BBC's Channel 4 is going to broadcast a documentary where an anatomist crucifies a real corpse. While the concept is both gross and educational it got me thinking about other uses for a corpse.

Here are mine.

1. Carpool access, duh.
2. Body boarding. Literally.
3. English guard replacement. There only job is to stand still. Surely a corpse could handle that.
4. Totally wicked guitar stand. Pose the corpse so that he/she gently cradles the guitar. Iron Maiden would love a couple of these.
5. Mannequin replacement. We have a hard enough time maintaining a realistic body image these days. Ultra thin mannequins don't help the situation. I suggest we replace them with actual corpses. The fat trucker who died of a heart attack won't send anyone into a shame spiral.
6. Ridiculously elaborate paper weight. The best things usually take a long time to make. How about a paper weight that was in development for 65 years. Tag line "A lifetime in the making"
7. Replacement for Ben Affleck. Most corpses would be a step up in the acting department.
8. Pet. If you're concerned that your child can't handle the responsibility of a cat or a hamster why not get them a corpse. You know they won't kill it.
9. Life changer. Step 1: put corpse in driver's seat of your car. Step 2: light car on fire. Step 3: Flea the scene in search of a new, more exciting life.
10. Human. The other, other white meat.

Those are my ideas. Feel free to post your own.

Vantastic

Oh, baby. On my way home yesterday I saw this.

.

I did a double take, screeched to a halt, then grabbed this shot of the side.

Before you go crazy with ironic post modern accolades I need to tell you that it may have been there as part of a movie. I saw the generic white trucks and a large crew that typically indicate another LA film shoot. Based on all the information we're left with two possibilities.

A. Some 70's leftover finally made enough "bread" selling hash to paint his van in a sexy D & D motif. Awesome!

B. This van is the lynch pin in some studio's plan to make a movie that taps into the "too clever for their own good" Gen X/Y demo's interest in the flamboyance of the 70's. Lame!

Either way one thing is for sure. Option B was a run on sentence. My copy editor friend's heads just exploded. Sorry guys.

Coincidences

My wife has had an idea for a while to take pictures of fruit dressed up like people. As a heterosexual man I naturally thought she'd sustained a head injury. But like the "colbertocrat" doppelganger incident from a few weeks ago, the Internet has once again proven that it's impossible to be original.

While cruising an automotive enthusiast website I saw this.

The image was the signature for one of the members on the message board. It raises a few interesting points.

1. My wife may have been on to something. The highly expressive faces on the fruit make it hard to think of them as just inanimate objects. If done well, the concept of humanizing fruit seems works.

2. If this kind of art goes mainstream an entire generation may give up eating their fruits and vegetables. With vegetarianism on the rise, kids may be similarly motivated to give up fruit. Our nations "5 a day" campaign with have been for naught.

3. I'm a bigger pansy than I thought. Looking at the cartoon, my heart really goes out for Orange. He's probably friends with Banana and to come home to this, it's got to be devastating. Almost as devastating as watching your masculinity evaporate before your eyes.

Quota

Like community service, today's Colbertocrat Blog should fill this month's quota for Stephen Colbert related commentary.

Here goes:

The Report tonight should be double throwdown wicked. Ken Jennings is the guest. I'm excited to watch Stephen square off with a guest that is likely his intellectual equal. Ken is an excellent writer and possesses a well developed sense of humor. His book Braniac was released yesterday and I may actually buy it. I don't mind having my picture taken in front of books on a shelf but I'm rarely inclined to read any of them.

Watch the Colbert Report tonight or if you have Tivo, whenever the hell you fell like it.

9/11

Today is the 5 year anniversary of the 9/11 attacks. I don't want to spend much time dredging up my emotions on the subject. I've worked too hard tamping my feelings down to the deepest recesses of my soul to let them spill out in a cathartic blog entry.

All I want to say is that days like today make me happy to be alive. I fully plan on maximizing my time on earth by spending time with my wife, friends and family, writing music, and posting to this silly little blog. It's good to know that if I ever get my priorities out of line another September will eventually come around and help me refocus on what's important in life.

I was surprised to learn today that Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is a jerk. After moving into his new house on Saturday, Kareem endeared himself to a neighbor by dumping his trash in their yard. Story here.

Throwing trash in a neighbors yard is weird but more baffling is the fact that Kareem's new home is in Harlem. Why would he live there? Did he already burn through his royalties from Slam Dunk Ernest? Is he seeking street cred in anticipation of a run for Congress? Is Brentwood not as safe as it used to be? Oh right, the real killers are still on the loose, eh OJ?

My guess is he's writing a book. As the picture above indicates Kareem isn't afraid to slum it with the lower tiers of society and then write a book about his experience. I won't surprised when Mr. Abdul-Jabbar releases his next novel entitled "An Autumn in the Projects: One man's struggle to totally piss off his neighbors in Harlem". What a jerk.

The Germans love their Hydrogen

BMW is working on a Hydrogen powered car. In keeping with Germany's many Hydrogen related accomplishments BMW has opted to use the highly explosive gas to power a version of it's 7 series sedan. Link here.

Kudos to BMW for pioneering new and exciting ways to turn a standard car accident into a neighborhood leveling explosion. I hear it's a "blast" to drive. (crickets)

Coincidence

Some people don't believe in coincidence. For the unbelievers I submit the following.

Last week it appeared that someone had started borrowing creative content from the Colbertocrat Blog and posting it to the Colbert Nation message boards. At the time it seemed impossible that they had come up with their user name "Colbertocrat" as well as some Colbert inspired Haikus without this sites inspiration. Having blessed the Internet with those two ideas well before the postings appeared last week, I was bothered.

After calling the impostor out, both here and at Colbertnation.com, I received the following message.

"I'm afraid it is a horrible coincidence that I posted those haikus a month after you did. I joined the Nation board the night of the Emmys, inspired by my amusement and mock outrage to write haikus, which are the only funny thing I've ever been able to write easily. I didn't see your July post until it was pointed out to me by my girlfriend, who was looking for my haikus and searched the site for the word "haiku" and found yours.

Also, I had no idea you were the same person who started colbertocrat.com, and in fact I thought I had made that name up until I saw your web site. I even thought about writing you to offer you the name "colbertocrat", since I just made it up in my head (really!) because it sounded funny, vaguely political and had "colbert" in it. I was astonished it wasn't taken. So there's actually two horrible coincidences here."

There you have it. Two people, completely independently of each other, managed to coin the term Colbertocrat and express their fanaticism via Haiku. What are the odds?

The whole affair has actually left me feeling less inspired than before. If the Colbert Haiku isn't a genuinely unique idea I guess I'm doomed to be just one in a flock of unoriginal online commentators. I take comfort in the fact that even if I'm not the only one to come up with this stuff, at least I'm first.

Simply Beautiful

Like the Labor Day sales proclaiming their once a year ultimate deals, I too am making an exeption with today's Colbertocrat blog entry. No politics, pop culture or commentary about the oddities of the world. Remember, it's the only time this will happen all year. There has never been a better time to read the Colbertocrat blog!

My wife directed me to a blog entry written by a mother on her son's 1st birthday. The unvarnished recollection of the life of a mother through her child's first year was simply beautiful. I'm a cynical gen Xer and it takes a lot to generate emotion in me. Well done All & Sundry, you succeeded where Titanic never could.

Read and enjoy. Link Here.

Impostor

I rarely get worked up over assaults against my honor. Living a good life and slashing my enemies tires is plenty vengeful for me. However, a situation has come up that has raised my ire, and my ire is plenty mean when fully raised. Hence the angry banana.

Read the following:
"Whenever *I've* just seen my new critically acclaimed runaway hit show on Comedy Central lose an arguably increasingly irrelevant industry award to a so-called pop icon that is a parody of his laughable self, what is the first word that comes to *my* mind? Haiku."
The above was met with:
"Colbertocrat, if the Colbert Report is hiring, you should apply. Those haiku's are definitely Stephen-worthy."

Everything seems in order, right. Libertastic, the original Colbertocrat, is receiving accolades from his flock. Wrong! I didn't write that at all. At least not on August 28th, the day it was posted on the Colbert Nation message board. Link here. I did write an entry to the Colbertocrat Blog on July 12, 2006 titled "What's in a name?" where I unveiled the concept of a Colbert Inspired Haiku.

So what's the deal? Here are the facts.

1. Someone is posting using the name Colbertocrat. I post under the name Libertastic (I like to exude a constant air of Liberty). Either they really like or really hate Colbertocrat.com.

2. Someone is clearly reading this blog then posting its ideas as their own.

3. What I write is so entertaining that when stolen the bits still work.

4. Even if the impostor does build a following online using the Colbertocrat moniker, all roads lead back to here, Colbertocrat.com. Thanks for the free publicity!