Game Changer

Don't tell my wife but I've got a new love. My new "it girl" goes by the name Google Maps Mobile. Oh, baby!

This amazing free download lets you get directions, search for businesses, view satellite imagery on some phones and even provides real time traffic information. It does all that right on your phone. I'm awestruck.

The other night my wife and I were driving through Los Angeles around midnight. It occurred to me that I hadn't been to a Bob's Big Boy in about 15 years. We wound up spending the next hour or so driving to the places we thought we remembered seeing a Bob's. It's a sad story partially because we never made it to Bob's but mostly because we couldn't think of anything better to do at midnight in LA.

Those days are over. Thanks to Google Maps Mobile I'm able to find the nearest Bob's within seconds. I'm able to get directions to the nearest In & Out burger with ease. When I'm done with those places, I'll use Maps Mobile to guide me to the nearest Jenny Craig.

If you own a Java-enabled phone click here for the details on Google Maps Mobile.

OutSync

Word has "come out" today that 'N Sync member Lance Bass is gay. God I'm clever. Read more here. Let me be the first to say, I never saw this one coming. If I suspected anyone from 'N Sync as being gay it was Chris Kirkpatrick, or as I call him Pineapple Head. He seems like a cuddler, you know.

Not content to just be the gay guy from 'N Sync, Lance is working on a sitcom inspired by the Odd Couple. He'll be playing the gay guy. Mmmm, hot man on man comedy coming to a TV near you. Fabulous.

Break on Through

Some might say that for an online petition to be valid all the signers must live in this dimension. I disagree. I think if a petition is so important that it warrants attention from the dead then said petition must have something really important to say. Such is the case with the "Stephen Colbert Must Run for President" online petition started by the team here at Colbertocrat.com.

When Jim Morrison recently graced the petition with his signature we didn't think he was mocking its validity. We were honored that he took time out of his busy schedule in the misty beyond to support a Colbert presidency. Morrison is quoted as saying "Stephen can sail my crystal ship anytime". Yes, he certainly can.

Get off!

Prince has been named as the halftime entertainer for next years Super Bowl. If his ass is already visible through his pants does that qualify as a wardrobe malfunction?

By the way, the picture to the left almost looks like a vision of Prince if he were to appear in a tortilla. Using your best Prince voice say "Smother me in beans and rice and salsa, uuuhhh".

Success

In an earlier post I bemoaned the fact that very few readers leave comments on the Colbertocrat blog. Now, in an instant, that failure is wiped clean and replaced with the sweet aroma of success.

It seems that Jimmy Hoffa has come back to life and signed the Stephen Colbert Must Run for President petition started by the Colbertocrat action squad. According to Jimmy "I was reborn just to sign this petition".

I guess all the effort I've put into the Colbertocrat movement is finally paying off. With Jimmy Hoffa back from the infinite beyond the FBI can stop digging up the property of Michigan farmers and get back to profiling hippies. That's something we can all appreciate.

Failure

Why is this juggernaut of a blog so terrible at eliciting comments? It's got interesting topics, witty insight, and a vague Stephen Colbert theme. Surely that combination should squeeze words from even the most inbred redneck. Have I failed? Have you failed? Do you have any comments on the matter?

Colbertocrat Petition Update

If you haven't already, please sign the petition urging Stephen Colbert to run for the office of President of the United States. As of this instant 23 brave souls have stood up and said in a loud clear voice "I am willing to add my name to a bogus online petition. Consequences be damned!". Won't you do the same? Tell a friend while you're at it.

Progress

Despite being subjected to anger, derogatory slurs and the occasional smearing, homosexuals have made great strides in their quest for equality. Pioneers like the Queer Eye guys, comedian Ant, and Clay Aiken have boldly redefined what it means to be gay. Ok, not really, they're all pretty much what you expect gay to be, but now they're fulfilling stereotypes on TV instead of in bath houses. Look out red states!

Measuring America's progress on the issue of equal rights is difficult. Unlike autoerotic asphyxiation its hard to know when the job is done. However, there are good signs that gay America has achieved its goal of equality. The biggest being that gays are now in a position to discriminate. Long known as a steamy bastion of homo erotic passions, the rainbow draped hamlet of Provincetown is breeding a new generation of prejudiced gays. Hate is the only thing they'll let breed in P-town these days. For details click here.

Reverse discrimination may seem wrong but it means we can stop worrying about equality for homosexuals. It also means we, the silent hetero majority, no longer have to pretend to like our gay cousins. There's always an upside. So the next time you find yourself being verbally harassed in the pink side of Massachusetts remember, your taking one for the team. The team called America. "Now with slightly different discrimination"!

What's in a name? Part 2, Electric Colbertaloo.

Yesterday I tried to infuse some Colbertitude into the Colbertocrat blog with a Stephen Colbert inspired Haiku. Upon investigation by the team at Colbertocrat.com it's clear that the name Colbert appeared in none of the 17 syllables available. No Colbert, no Stephen, not even a silent T.

The Colbertocrat movement is a progressive one. We know that the days of the old media are numbered and the future belongs to the internet nerds, podcasters, and blogging losers. Being revolutionaries, we've decided to take it to the next level. Today, July 13th 2006, we introduce the techno-ku. By harnessing the greatest aspects of the East and West we'll be able to communicate the "good news" of the Colbertocrat ideology to a new generation. In short, it's a Haiku thrown up on the internet.

Enjoy this Colbertcentric techno-ku. We think it will fix the mistakes of yesterday's Haiku as well as appeal to the underserved "Urban" market.

He loves black people
His show is off the chiz-ains
Stephen Colbert, Dawg

What's in a name?

It occurred to me that despite having Colbert right in the name, there is very little mention of Mr. Colbert in this blog. To make amends I offer this Stephen Colbert inspired Haiku.




Soaring eagle's claws
reach to grasp the delicious
salmon of freedom

World Cup Wrap Up

I've never been a fan of sports. My wife cites my lack of interest as one of my most charming qualities. If only she had graced my junior high P.E. class with her presence, the screaming from my teammates might have chipped away my self esteem at a slightly slower rate.

Do you remember being 13? You're not a child anymore but not you're not quite an adult. Britney Spears wrote a song on the subject. Surprisingly she was 20 at the time but I guess some of us bloom later than others. Anyway, pretend you're 13 again; pimply, voice changing, sprouting new hair and trying to find your place in the world. Add to that volatile mix the knowledge that you are totally incapable of catching a ball.

It may not seem like a big deal but imagine that knowledge sweeping over you as a pop fly descends on your exact location. The entire P.E. class is watching you. Half the kids pray that, against all odds, you'll manage to finally catch one. The other half can't wait to mock you and your dropping balls. Hmm, there's probably a better way to say that. Is it called fumbling? I don't even know. I'll stick with ball dropping.

World Cup Soccer is the biggest sporting event in the world if you're willing to include the opinions of Africa, Asia and South America. I'm not, too little America in those places. Despite my best efforts I couldn't avoid exposure to the World Cup hype. Commercials invaded my TV touting Soccer's ability to bring conflicting groups together. I was skeptical of the games power but I'm now a believer. Through the World Cup I've managed to find common ground with my pro-sports contemporaries, a mutual disinterest in Soccer.

Ignoring the World Cup along with the rest of America has given me a sense of community I've never felt before. This feeling of belonging and like mindedness must be what attracts people to sports. It's intoxicating. Man, I hope the World Cup never ends!

It's never to late for patriotism

In a style befitting my generation (x/y), I been so busy "not working" this week that I failed to acknowledge the original American holiday, the 4th of July. Actually, the original American holiday was named Not Dead Yet Day. Legend has it that this national holiday was celebrated every morning by the Pilgrims with a ceremonial delousing and by burying the dead.

Thankfully, by the time I came on the scene the standard of living in America had improved substantially. Worries about finding food and surviving disease had been replaced with who shot J.R. and whether or not Teddy Ruxpin worked with regular tapes. Granted there are still concerns about poverty in this country but from a broad perspective life in America in spectacularly good. Don't believe me? Click here.

The 4th of July provides us an opportunity to assess how we're doing, where we're headed and what we'll do when we get there. If the answers to those questions make you sad just be glad you aren't a pilgrim.