Mary in a tree

Last week I made an offering to god. It wasn't a virgin, incense or my life long devotion but something genuinely useful, my suggestions for improving his image. As he often does, god failed to heed my advice and instead opted to use a shadowy image imprinted on a common object to rouse the spirits of his believers. This time it's an image of the Virgin Mary on the branch of a maple tree. Story here.

God issues aside, this story makes me angry. I'm not anti-religion but I hate the fact that they've got a monopoly on these kinds of human interest stories. If I called the newspaper and said I saw a link to the Colbertocrat Blog in an egg McMuffin they call me a jerk wad then hang up the phone. But if I called and said the Virgin Mary was flashing a peace sign in that same egg McMuffin I'd have a reporter at my house within the hour.

It's not fair. Everyone knows about god but very few people know about the Colbertocrat Blog, Colbertocrat.com or the Stephen Colbert Must Run For President Petition. The Colbertocrat movement was created as a quasi-political movement but maybe a quasi-religion would make more sense. Tax exempt status is mighty tempting. Either way brothers and sisters, do your part to spread the good word. Peace be with you.

You make the call

Prosecutors have dropped their case against John Mark Karr in the murder on JonBenet Ramsey. Details here.

The question for you is, which is creepier?

A: Someone desperately trying to convince the world that he sexually assaulted and murdered a 6 year old girl despite having no involvement.

or

B: The following picture of Pope Benedict XVI













You probably said the sex murderer enthusiast, right? Well I wonder if my good friend photoshop might change your mind. Try this!

















You know, it's funny. My stylized picture of the Pope standing in front of a haunted mansion at night actually looks less creepy than the untouched photo.

Conclusion:

Un-Photoshopped Pope = Creepy
Child Porn Loving Murderer Imposter = Super Creepy

Too Low

We've all heard the phrase "Our prices are so low, we can't say them on the the radio". You may have wondered under what circumstance a price would be too low to advertise? To find the answer examine the following hypothetical sale.

Widget Crafters (conveniently located in the heart of the widget district) have decided to have a sale. Instead of their usual price of 5 widgets for a dollar they've decided to blow widgets out the door at the unheard of price 50 for a dollar. I know, that's a great price on widgets. The sale was initiated by a unique set of circumstances.

Bernie, the owner/operator of Widget Crafters, got drunk while ordering this months widget supply and accidentally added a zero where he shouldn't have. Now Bernie has so many widgets that the surplus is being stored in the half of his warehouse usually reserved for his real passion, a bi-weekly roller disco. With Roller Disco night only 3 days away the widgets have to go.

But there is a problem. The only way to enter Widget Crafters is to traverse a pit that lies immediately in front of the entrance. Unfortunately, Bernie has invested all of his profits into a broken glass, rusty nail and bear trap collection, leaving precious little money to construct a proper bridge. As a result the bridge is made from paper mache. And yes, Bernie stores his collection in the pit.

Problem: Bernie needs to sell the surplus widgets quickly but if too many people arrive at the same time the paper mache bridge might collapse.

Solution: Bernie decides to advertise his sale on the radio but chooses not to mention the dangerously low price, thus averting a potentially lethal widget stampede.

So the next time you hear a commercial where the announcer refuses to divulge the sale price, consider all the lives that may or may not have just been saved.

Distraction

What is a Theory? According to http://wordnet.princeton.edu/, (the most scholastically intimidating web address I've ever seen) a theory is a well-substantiated explanation of some aspect of the natural world. Why do I ask?

Recently, while scrolling through the topics on the Colbertnation.com message boards, I came across a thread that said the 9/11 attacks were an "inside job". I won't take the time to debate the validity of the concept here, that's for you to do by yourself in your mom's basement wearing your tinfoil hat. I will, however, offer a counterpoint to the broader issue of conspiracy theories.

If you look into a bowl of alphabits cereal and see a U.N. plot to bring about the new world order, please, share your thoughts with the world, preferably via the Internet. You've got the kind of wild eyed creativity that will keep the rest of society entertained while it toils away in a cubicle for 8 hours. What you don't have is the "well substantiated explanation" necessary to call your thoughts an actual theory. You can feel good knowing you've boosted morale for productive citizens everywhere. What you can't do is feel like you're solving any problems.

Think about it like this. When has the world lacked for things to worry about. In just my lifetime we've endured the threat of nuclear destruction, terrorism at home and abroad, genocide, and the rise and fall of Chumbawamba. Adding worry about alien cover ups, vast government conspiracies or plots involving The Rand Corporation and reverse vampires only serves to distract us from finding real solutions to real problems.

For the sake of the employable masses, show off those grainy photographs and upload those shaky videos to Utube. Circulate the email you got from the friend of your cousin who was totally there when Dick Cheney morphed into a killer raccoon. Just don't think you're making a difference. Mel Gibson's Jew run Shadow Government wouldn't let you anyway.

Mysterious Ways

If you were god how would you communicate to your believers? Would you speak from the heavens in a boomy voice, offering unambiguous proof of both your existence and your wishes or would you do this?

Without the benefit of omnipotence (isn't that what Ciallis is for?) it's tough to say exactly what I would do. What I wouldn't do is make my believers look like crazy people. Appearing in common food products, wet cement and tree stumps makes both the faithful and the deity seem desperate for attention. It's not good for the brand image.

If it's not too presumptuous I'd like to offer God some advice.

1. Stay away from appearances in greasy food like grilled cheeses, French fries and potato chips. We'll accept a god that destroys his creations on a whim but we will not accept a god that makes us fat.
2. If you do insist on appearing in something edible make it a Red Bull and Vodka. You'll tap into the all important youth market. The fact that combining Red Bull and Alcohol is potentially deadly will only make you seem cooler. When the kids sing "our god is an awesome god" they'll really mean it, in that frat boy kind of way.
3. Don't be a stranger. Your appearances via whichever prophet is actually speaking on your behalf are great and all, but you could make a real splash by appearing yourself. If you're uncomfortable showing up in the white robes and sandals I totally understand. Try this, appear before all of humanity as a invisible pink Unicorn. It's an image so original and outlandish that everyone will instantly know you're the one true god and you've got great taste in fashion.
4. Disregard #3. Apparently someone's already beaten you to the whole invisible pink unicorn thing.

Maybe showing up in a slice of pizza at Sbarro isn't such a bad idea.

I'll take funny Muther F***ers for $1000 Alex

This man made headlines when, after writing a clearly tongue in cheek blog entry about the quiz show that made him famous, village idiot Michael Starr failed to get the joke. In an article for the New York Post, Starr derided his "snarky" attitude and showed a startling inability to understand sarcasm.

Who is click here?

Seriously, he is an excellent writer. Once Michael Starr goes back to his job at Arby's, the Post should consider K-dawg as his replacement.

Stereotype

I hate stereotypes. Just because I'm of German descent doesn't mean I'm planning to oppress large groups of people or rule the world with an iron fist. I actually am planning to do that but I attribute it mostly to being ambitious not German. What's really disconcerting is when a member of a specific race engages in stereotyping of his own people. I've seen an increase in this behavior recently.

Example 1.
"We Swiss are not just good at making the tastiest chocolate; we can also build the fastest hydrofoil vehicle in the world - even though we're not exactly a seafaring nation" said Frank M. Rinderknecht after setting a Guinness Book World Record for fastest crossing of the English Channel by an amphibious vehicle. Read the whole story here.

Example 2.
"The daughters, meanwhile, are as American as you, gabacho: they're spoiled, fat asses who party hard, overeat and don't do quehaceres (chores) after coming home from a day at the office or Chicano Studies class because they have a Mexican to do it, their mami." said Gustavo Arellano in his weekly column "Ask a Mexican" when asked why Mexican girls are cute teenagers but wind up fat women.

This kind of self hatred is completely Un-American. We need to stop tearing our own people down and get back to the values we grew up with, stereotyping others.

Shout Outs

Success rarely comes about because of one person. There's usually a crack squad of success oriented commandos shooting and karate chopping their way to a specific goal. The Colbertocrat movement is no different. Since our inception, www.colbertocrat.com has depended on the kindness of strangers. We've also depended on the help of friends but mentioning them in the previous sentence would have ruined a perfectly good movie reference. Let's see, who's more important, friends or a generic reference to Gone with the Wind? The choice is clear.

So, in no particular order (other than importance) here are the people/entities I need to thank for making www.colbertocrat.com such a huge success.

1. God.
He never once interfered with my plan to set up a Stephen Colbert for President online petition. I'm not sure if his lack of involvement is a sign that he approves of the site or that he simply doesn't exist. Either way, he didn't stop me and that took Colballz.

2. My wife.
Her endless stream of encouragement proves that love is indeed blind. Granted I've had my fair share of reasonably entertaining posts but I really should be doing something of substance. Instead my wife chuckles politely as she inspects my blog entries and does her part to drive traffic. I'm sure in the back of her mind she knows it's a waste of time. I can't wait for the Google ads check to arrive so I can show her that I've made something of myself. I'm going to spend at least half of the $8.76 on her.

3. TMZ.com
In between covering Paris Hilton's eating habits and Mel Gibson's "Jew Bash 2006" TMZ.com (a wholly owned subsidiary of AOL TimeWarner) wrote a story about Stephen Colbert's now classic 10 commandments interview with Congressman Lynn Westmoreland. Click here to watch. The article included a link to the Colbertocrat website and I've been bathing in the added web traffic ever since. Thanks TMZ!

4. Craig Gaines from http://rocketfever.blogspot.com/
He's a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in $120 blue jeans. How is it that a man who wields the English language like a long sword, spews wit and charm like a sulfur mine spews stank, and hasn't had half of his face burned off still can't find a girlfriend? More confusing is why he added a link to this crappy blog. Maybe it's because we're friends. Maybe it's because he sees a goodness lurking just beneath the gruff exterior of the Colbertocrat blog. Or maybe it's because I have pictures of him at Medieval times that he doesn't want publicly displayed. Who knows. For now Gaines remains a mystery.

5. Finally, everyone important enough to list but not important enough to write something clever about. It's like Gilligan's Island theme when they skip the Professor and Mary Ann and sing "and the rest".

http://www.colbertnation.com/messageboard/
http://toreadoroflove.stumbleupon.com/
http://www.nofactzone.net/?page_id=10
http://sojournofthereal.blogspot.com/

Popular Demand

It's amazing how quickly time can pass. You get called out of town for work, miss a few days worth of writing and suddenly the blog you love so dearly has been neglected like an MC Hammer mix tape. With this post I sheepishly return to my post at the Colbertocrat blog, a bit ashamed of my half-assedness. That's probably not a real word.......half-assedness.

Much like a movie where someone is frozen then years later emerge in a world they hardly recognize, I am amazed at what has become of the Colbertocrat website. We've actually sold some super awesome Colbertocrat gear in our online store. Click here to peruse our wares. Our main site www.colbertocrat.com has endured nearly 13,000 hits. I've raked in a cool $8.00 in the last 3 months from Google ads. Most importantly, the online petition urging Stephen Colbert to run for president has eclipsed the 200 barrier.

200 was an important milestone. Now I can, with no exaggeration, say that hundreds of people have signed the petition. We didn't reach that milestone solely through my efforts though. In my next post I'll thank the many people who made the success of Colbertocrat.com possible. It'll be the feelgood post of our generation. Stay tuned.